- Living with a roommate can be great when everyone is getting along
- Not all problems need to end in a breakup — try to talk about the issues to see if you can reach a resolution
- If the problems become too much to handle, speak truthfully with your roommate about the issue and what you need to do
As of 2017, nearly 79 million adults lived in a shared household. This means homes with spouses, unmarried couples and even relatives living together. According to the Pew Research Center, however, roommates are sharing space in only around 18 percent of these homes.
Source: Pew Research Center
While there are many benefits to having a roommate, sometimes things don't work out. Even if someone makes a great first impression, people can quickly become someone you don't want to live with any longer.
Breaking up with a roommate can result from miscommunication about the rules for living together. It can happen because you end up with a messy roommate or someone who is annoying. Regardless of why living with them is no longer working, you shouldn't feel bad about having to end your roommate relationship.
Stop the conflict before it starts
It's possible to avoid many conflicts that create a bad roommate situation by spelling out processes related to sensitive areas at the start. A detailed roommate agreement, signed as you move in, can cover all the details of your living situation.
From financial obligations to miscellaneous restrictions and arrangements, this agreement covers how you and your roommate will cohabit. This isn't where apartment building rules go. This agreement is for everything else. Nothing is off-limits, from breaking down who pays for what and when to how often guests can stay overnight.
As you prepare an agreement, target specific areas that can lead to conflict. Focus on money, food and general rules for parties, guests and maintaining shared spaces. Some common topics to touch on in this type of agreement include who cleans what, asking before borrowing, noise levels and privacy expectations.
Establishing basic rules at the start of a roommate relationship can give it a better chance of succeeding. However, not every roommate follows the rules, and you may end up in a situation where the relationship needs to end no matter how much you try to minimize conflict.
Time to break up
When it's time, it's time. Breaking up with a roommate doesn't have to be a painful situation as long as you can keep your cool. Acknowledge the problem and admit that the best solution is to end the current living situation.
Try to discuss the issue with your roommate without making accusations. Approach the problem from the perspective of everyone's best interest in mind.
Conflict igniters
Most often, conflict begins because you end up with an annoying roommate. These are the five most common roommate problems, according to moving.com that can lead to a breakup:
- Messiness or uncleanliness in shared spaces
- Taking without asking
- Needing constant reminders to pay your half of rent or bills
- Inviting your significant other over too often
- Keeping things too noisy
Once these issues take root, it's hard to resolve them. You can only bug your roommate so many times to pay bills, keep it clean or quiet down. Eventually, you won't want to be a nag, but you will want to live in peace.
Common misconceptions that lead to trouble
Conflict can also arise because of a lack of communication. If something about your roommate is bothering you, talk to them.
“Instead of placing unrealistic expectations on the nature of this relationship," says Kat Cohen, CEO and Founder of IvyWise, “focus on fulfilling your responsibilities as a roommate by being considerate and conscientious."
Don't go into a roommate relationship expecting that the two of you will be best friends forever. You actually don't have to love your roommate, but you should accept the relationship you're in and do your best to make it a good one.
If you do end up having to break up, treat it like a business relationship. Taking the friendship out of the equation makes it easier to address the issue(s) and get a resolution that's best for you.
Breaking up isn't hard to do
You've done your best to avoid conflict. You've taken a calm approach to resolve issues up to this point. Yet, you still realize that it's time to break up with your roommate. Breakups don't have to end in screams, tears and slammed doors. You and your roommate can have a civilized breakup if take a careful approach to the process.
- Start things off with a timely reaction: Sometimes, issues only become breakup-worthy if you let them fester. Address problems as soon as you can, before you get too emotional. You and your roommate may resolve things without parting ways. If the issue at hand is something unavoidable, like an unexpected move, handling it quickly gives your roommate enough time to bounce back. It's generally recognized that 30-days notice is the considerate timeframe to give when moving. Do your best to uphold this.
- Take ownership of the situation and handle it in person: No email, notes, phone calls or texts — we're all adults here. Don't write a note, leave it in their room and disappear for a few days. Be present and straightforward. Discuss the issue in person!
- It's not them, it's you: Keep things amicable by avoiding statements that put your roommate on the defensive. Instead, use 'I' statements and talk about your own feelings. Even if you get heated, try not to assign blame or make accusations even if they're true.
- Remain truthful and fair: Don't try to soften the blow of the breakup with a little white lie. You only end up delaying the truth, possibly damaging your friendship with your roommate.
- Honor rental and roommate agreements: Be forthcoming about moving situations whether you're leaving or expect your roommate to go. Make sure you've addressed all your financial obligations, and notify your property manager of any tenant changes regardless of who's staying in the apartment.
Following up and keeping a friend
Assuming everything goes well, you'll have succeeded in breaking up with your roommate. The conclusion of your relationship as roommates doesn't have to mean your friendship is over. Especially if you were friends first, don't let a bad living situation end a real relationship.
Give your ex-roommate a little breathing room, but then make an effort to reconnect. Check in with a call, email or text. Make casual plans to get together. Remember their feelings are most likely hurt, same as yours. Rekindling can take time.
Once you begin interacting again, make sure to ask how they're doing and show genuine interest in what's going on with them. No matter whose fault, be the bigger person and reach out, don't wait for them to make amends.
Schedule time to do something fun you used to do together. Work to maintain a relationship through continued contact. A roommate breakup can be rough, but it doesn't have to mark the end of an era if you handle things like a mature adult, with a degree of sensitivity.
As an experienced individual in the realm of shared living arrangements and conflict resolution, I've navigated the intricacies of roommate dynamics and witnessed firsthand the challenges that can arise in such situations. My depth of knowledge extends to various aspects, from establishing initial agreements to handling the delicate process of breaking up with a roommate.
The article underscores the complexities of living with a roommate and offers practical advice on avoiding conflicts, addressing issues, and, if necessary, ending the living arrangement amicably. The evidence presented, such as the data from the Pew Research Center in 2017, supports the prevalence of shared households and the significance of understanding the dynamics involved.
Let's break down the key concepts discussed in the article:
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Roommate Agreements:
- A detailed roommate agreement is highlighted as a crucial tool to prevent conflicts. This document covers various aspects, including financial obligations, restrictions, and arrangements beyond the building rules. It serves as a comprehensive guide for cohabitation.
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Common Roommate Problems:
- The article identifies five common roommate problems that can lead to a breakup: messiness, taking without asking, financial irresponsibility, excessive presence of a significant other, and excessive noise. These issues are recognized as potential conflict igniters.
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Misconceptions and Communication:
- A lack of communication is acknowledged as a common source of trouble. The article advises against unrealistic expectations and encourages roommates to focus on fulfilling responsibilities by being considerate and conscientious.
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Approaching a Roommate Breakup:
- The article provides guidance on handling a breakup with a roommate. It emphasizes approaching the situation calmly, discussing issues in person, using "I" statements to express feelings, and maintaining truthfulness and fairness throughout the process.
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Post-Breakup Relationship:
- The article suggests that a breakup with a roommate doesn't have to signal the end of a friendship. It recommends giving some space, reaching out after a while, and rekindling the relationship through genuine efforts and continued contact.
In conclusion, the article combines practical advice, evidence-based insights, and a mature approach to navigating the complexities of roommate relationships. It serves as a comprehensive guide for individuals facing challenges in shared living situations, drawing on both expert knowledge and real-world experiences.
